Romance Over 50: It Can Be Complicated and Hazardous

A cautionary tale of generosity and grief, heartbreak, and financial fraud

By Shirley M. Mueller, M.D.

August 23, 2024
It was a day filled with promise and unexpected jubilations for Debra when her accountant confirmed that Dave’s loan was forgiven under her federal estate and gift tax exemption. Her heart swelled with joy at the thought of lifting this financial burden from Dave—her companion of two years. With a plan to deliver the news in person, she envisioned the relief and happiness that would light up his face, her words already forming in her mind: “You deserve this, and I’m thrilled to remove this weight off your shoulders.”

Debra was excited and couldn’t wait until she saw Dave to deliver the news. (This story is real, but the names have been changed.) She phoned him instead, which is when the afternoon took a drastic turn.

As soon as Dave answered, her heart sank with the sound of another woman’s voice on the other end of the line, screaming in anger. “Is it Debra? Is it Debra,” she repeated. “I thought you were going to get rid of her!” The call was abruptly followed by noises of chaos—a crashing sound, footsteps hurrying away. Dave remained silent throughout this alarming episode, leaving Debra gripping her phone in confusion and dismay. Then the line went dead.

Doubts clouded Debra’s mind as she pondered Dave’s character. Was he genuinely the honorable, needy man she believed him to be, or was he leading a double life? The revelation shattered her image of Dave, who had portrayed himself as a victim of circumstance, struggling financially since the 2008 stock market crash, when he lost a considerable percentage of his investment portfolio, which he depended on for income.

Despite never directly asking for money, Dave, 58 and single, had hinted at his needs often enough that Debra, a 71-year-old widow, had responded with increasing financial support—eventually giving him substantial amounts and even resorting to selling her jewelry to aid him.

The ultimate gesture came when she forgave the hefty loans she had given him—that enabled him to buy his condominium—a decision she made in a moment of joyous liberation. Without her considerable help, it couldn’t have happened. But now, as the other woman’s presence loomed over their relationship, Debra questioned the wisdom of her generosity.

Reeling from the confrontation and an ominous text she’d received from the mysterious woman, Debra faced a harsh reality. Dave’s subsequent message, severing their ties forever, left her devastated. She’d lost not only a lover, but a friend and a significant portion of her wealth. The experience left her feeling betrayed, isolated, and vulnerable—a stark reminder of the perils of misplaced trust.

This incident underscores a painful truth about human connections, particularly for those who are emotionally and financially exposed. Debra’s story is not just a personal tragedy, but a cautionary tale about the complexities of relationships in which financial assistance plays a role. It highlights the need for vigilance and the importance of recognizing signs of manipulation early on—before becoming deeply entangled.

As Debra’s experience illustrates, even those closest to us can have ulterior motives masked by affection. Understanding this can prevent financial and emotional exploitation and encourage healthier, more transparent relationships. In sharing her story, we’re reminded of the delicate balance between generosity and gullibility, a lesson essential for anyone navigating the intricate dance of love and financial support.

Navigating Mid- and Late-Life Romance: Risks and Resilience

In the United States, data on the frequency of romantic exploitation among seniors is scarce—and likely underreported due to victims’ reluctance to disclose such sensitive matters. Debra’s ordeal serves as a poignant example. Many seniors, especially widows or those with ailing spouses, find themselves vulnerable to emotional and financial manipulation—not unlike the experiences shared by Debra.

Digital Deception: The New Frontier of Romance Scams

Online platforms like Facebook and LinkedIn have become hotbeds for romance scams. The Federal Trade Commission underscores this peril, advising readers never to send money or gifts to anyone they haven’t met in person. It also hosts a page (“What to Know About Romance Scams”) dedicated to these scams, highlighting the extensive problem.

The Familiar Face of Fraud

Debra’s case, was more insidious. It involved a familiar face. Dave wasn’t an anonymous online persona, but someone she had known through community ties and nonprofit work. His sudden romantic interest followed a revelation from her about her financial status. In some, this would raise a red flag about his motives. And in fact, the interaction between the two is suspect when examined retrospectively. It underscores the sophisticated tactics of scammers who operate within our own social circles.

Local Predators: A Closer Look at Grifting and Sociopathy

While internet romance scams are prevalent, local fraudsters—neighbors and community members—are equally capable of exploitation. They might appear ordinary and trustworthy, but they often exhibit traits associated with grifting: deception, manipulation, and a persuasive charm aimed at their own benefit—often at the expense of vulnerable individuals. Sociopaths, on the other hand, are a different kettle of fish—more serious than grifters. According to The Oxford Pocket Dictionary of Current English, a grifter is described as “a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience.” And recent insights from Psychology Today indicate that approximately ten percent of the U.S. population exhibits some characteristics of sociopathy, which include narcissistic and antisocial behavior patterns. This is a significant number, reflecting a sizable portion of society prone to exploiting others’ vulnerabilities.

The Complexity of Human Emotions: Hope and Vulnerability

Hope drives our human connections. It propels lonely individuals to seek companionship, often making them susceptible to exploitation by those who feign interest and affection to achieve financial gain. Recognizing signs of such manipulation is crucial yet challenging. Indicators like sudden financial requests, subtle hints about monetary needs, or changes in behavior when discussing finances can all be red flags.

Understanding these dynamics is essential for anyone navigating the complexities of relationships in later life. By fostering awareness and encouraging open discussions, we can better protect ourselves. Also, a background check never hurts. (See NYCitywoman.com’s New Beau? Check Him Out Online, posted in 2017.) Early on, a counselor had told Debra to “beware.” Evidently, the counselor realized that while D had resources, her considerably younger beau did not. That must have alerted her to a potentially risky situation for Debra.

Now, she wishes she had heeded that advice.

Shirley M. Mueller, M.D. has a distinguished background in medicine, complemented by her later pursuits as an author and public speaker. Another of her interests is porcelain collecting. Her insights on the neurobiological aspects of collecting are detailed in her book, Inside the Head of a Collector: Neurobiological Forces at Play, published by Lucia/Marquand in 2019. Her focus lately has been on exploring romance among those over age 50. She lives in Indianapolis, Indiana. Email: ShirleyMaloneyMueller@gmail.com.

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