The Holidays … and Meeting Someone New

Don’t underestimate the season’s festivities, says a doctor and relationship expert. Events like these could even lead to a second chance at love

By Shirley M. Mueller, M.D.

Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash.
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December 22, 2024

A Divorce

I have a friend in New York whom we shall call Jennifer to conceal her identity. In fact, having lived in the same co-op apartment for 20-plus years, she is very unqualifiedly a New Yorker, who, about 15 years ago, went through a divorce. She was a bit past age 50 back then—a time in life when reconstituting (remarrying, for instance) is no easy task.

Jennifer’s husband had long been critical of her. And finally, his condemnation of her behavior became intolerable. I must say, I always thought she was the perfect lady, wife, and mother of two young adult children. What’s more, she excelled in a prestigious part-time job at a well-known city art museum.

But her spouse—an unhappy man by nature (as I knew him to be)—didn’t see her in that positive way. After the split, my husband and I wondered what would happen to Jennifer. I knew how determined she was, but I didn’t appreciate the extent of her resolve under these recent trying circumstances.

A Surprising Turn of Events

Despite the sadness she surely must have felt, Jennifer did not become reclusive or shy. Rather than avoid social events, she threw herself into them. “I never refused an invitation, no matter how trivial or uninteresting I thought it would be.” That’s the way she put it to me when I caught up with her recently.

To everyone’s surprise, Jennifer remarried about a year and a half after her divorce. Her new husband was a handsome, pleasant, respected college professor, and—most importantly—he adored her. She couldn’t have done better; nor, I thought, could he. And by the way, this brilliant post-midlife remarriage made Jennifer’s ex-partner look absolutely unappealing. Touché!

What Jennifer Did That Other Women Often Fail to Do, and How It Affected Her Future

Recent research suggests Jennifer was onto something in the way she handled what could have been a desolate time. Erin Westgate, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of Florida in Gainesville, has made a study of a common human tendency to underestimate the importance of future events.

This inclination can lead to missed opportunities for personal growth and fulfillment. Conducted for the Florida Social Cognition and Emotion Lab, Westgate’s research sheds light on how we often misjudge the significance of upcoming events, such as family gatherings (think Hanukkah, Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries) or personal milestones (birthdays, graduations, career advancement, retirement …). Her findings have significant implications for everyday decisions, for health and lifestyle choices, for relationships, and for personal, career, and financial growth. Someone who underestimates the positive, long-term impact of exercise and a balanced diet might regularly skip workouts and choose convenient, unhealthy meals. Over time, this can lead to poorer health outcomes. The comfort or convenience is overvalued, while the long-term health benefits are discounted, leading to suboptimal daily decisions.

The Career Development Angle

An individual may avoid investing time in skill-building or further education because the future payoff seems too uncertain or far away. Instead of dedicating a few hours a week to an online course that could significantly improve her career prospects, she prioritizes short-term leisure activities, missing out on meaningful future professional growth.

Financial Planning

Likewise, underestimating the importance of saving and investing for the future can lead to impulsive spending on a regular basis. It’s important to recognize how meaningful future financial stability could be. What’s more, failing to set aside money leads to stress and reduced options later on—when unexpected expenses or opportunities arise.

The Florida study began when Westgate, while a graduate student in the 2010s, became curious about whether we could accurately predict how meaningful significant events would be in the future. Thanksgiving, traditionally a holiday associated with gratitude and meaning, served as the starting point for her inquiry. The research team surveyed students at the University of Virginia first about how meaningful they expected that holiday would be, and then checked in with them again afterward. Surprisingly, the students overwhelmingly underestimated the significance of the holiday before it occurred.

Westgate went on to replicate the study with a larger sample of undergraduate students at the University of Florida, and the results were consistent: Those interviewed methodically underestimated how meaningful future social gatherings—during Christmas, for instance—would be. This underestimation is not just a trivial error in perception—it affects whether individuals decide to participate in activities that could add value and fulfillment to their lives. The study suggests that such misjudgments may lead us to pass up experiences that could contribute substantially to our sense of purpose and satisfaction.

One of the key insights from this research is how we humans tend to avoid experiences we anticipate will be uncomfortable or boring, even though these very experiences often result in meaningful growth. In so doing, we fail to recognize the value these experiences may bring.

The current and ongoing three-year study, funded by the National Science Foundation, is designed to explore why we humans tend to make these errors, and how they can be corrected. By understanding why we misjudge the impact of future events, the researchers hope to develop strategies to improve decision-making and encourage individuals to engage in activities that promote a fulfilling life. The broader aim is to help us overcome the reluctance or avoidance that stems from failing to anticipate the potential significance of experiences before they occur. As Westgate notes, we humans often don’t process events, don’t recognize them as as meaningful, until they actually occur. So much of life just slips by. We allow ourselves to limit our ability to predict the positive emotional impact that might come—simply put—just from showing up and being participants.

Shirley M. Mueller, M.D. has a distinguished background in medicine, complemented by her later pursuits as an author and public speaker. Another of her interests is porcelain collecting. Her insights on the neurobiological aspects of collecting are detailed in her book, Inside the Head of a Collector: Neurobiological Forces at Play, published by Lucia/Marquand in 2019. Her focus lately has been on exploring romance among those over age 50. She lives in Indianapolis, Indiana. Email: ShirleyMaloneyMueller@gmail.com.

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